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Tuesday, 08 September 2009

I say the things I've been meaning:

to say because I'm really not afraid.
I wish so deeply I could mask up all the bad and somehow it would magically dissipate beneath it's cover so that I, nor you would feel troubled by it any longer. These past four months or so have been an ultimate test in our relationship. Is it possible to really "forget" the past and start from today? I'm beginning to think it's not. We butt heads I know, we disagree I know, we feud till the both of us burn out I know. I'm steadily growing weaker and weaker with each let down. Continually falling down this 'bottom less' pit.
Am I just living a real life letdown?
Could you possibly be out to get me again?
Am I setting my hopes to high thinking you and I are
something other than a train wreck?
Right about now I feel those tears welling up in my eyes, and those muscle spasms that are followed by those anger chills I tend to get. Right about now I feel like taking some sleeping pills and getting away from my own thoughts. My thoughts, could you guess; have control of me? My own thoughts are taking control of each movement, each involuntary action physically shown on my body. And emotion wise my head is spinning, spinning wildly out of complete control. I've done all I can do! Everything, little things, big things, non visible things, everything. I'm at a loss for action, a loss for determination. I surrender. So just like the song I'm listening to, 'Bring em' out', bring out the violins. I'm okay sitting here feeling sorry for myself and my gut screaming inadequacy to me. I'm okay wondering when you'll actually fall in love with me. I'm okay sitting here holding my breath till I turn purple wishing that If I think hard enough and not breathe I might jolt myself back into November 2006 when cloud nine seemed to be my second home.
But as we all know we cannot control what goes on in this hell that we call life. I've lost myself in everything I can't find. Everyone else seems so happy, then there's me. I feel so much pressure weighing down my chest and so many knife wounds still healing in my back; sad that I can neither face myself or turn away without 'facing' the pain.
"Life won't go your way, and you'll never know what to say, when I have nothing left, I'm still searching for you."
Fee

Friday, 28 August 2009

Insomnia & a Distorted Self Image:

On average I think I finally slip into bed each night (rather morning), between 3 and 4.
It's actually beginning to get a little ridiculous. When I do lie down all I can seem to do is think and that just wakes me up more so before I know it 30 minutes have gone by and I'm not even in my twilight faze. It's insane it really is.

Classes have started back and I'm tackling a whopping 2 of them this semester.
Psychology, and Chemistry. I'm not too concerned about either because I'll have enough time to dedicate to both to ensure the best grades I can get. So far I'm honestly enjoying myself and looking forward to learning new things. I think I'm more excited than normal because I'm actually content with my major change from an Associates in Science to Nursing. I've heard it's a challenge but I'm up for it, so wish me luck in my studies.

I'm starting this new 'diet', you could say; later today.
It was supposed to have been started Wednesday but I couldn't bring myself to start and keep with it so it's officially ON here soon. Supposedly after the first 3 days if I haven't cheated I can possibly lose 5-7 pounds and by the end of that week a possible loss of 15-20 pounds. I would love to lose 20 pounds. Oh my god. That would put me at 117... actually I could probably stand to lose 25 pounds on account of how short I am but I'll be sure to keep you posted on my progress. Unlike most diets this diet gives me a detailed account of what I will consume each day. There's a soup that's made and it's eaten at least once a day but can be eaten whenever I'm hungry. The more I eat it the more I'm supposed to lose, along with other fruits and veggies. I know one day consists of an optional 20 ounces of steak or chicken. In other words I won't be starved but I know I won't be satisfied either. I am going to stick with this because I feel like losing it will help me lose some of the insecurities I have. I know a lot of the problem is confidence in myself but I'm slowly working on having a better outlook of the person I am and having a more positive approach to becoming who I ultimately want myself to be. This is going to take will power but I know I can do it and will. I am making this decision for myself and no one else. It's time I looked in the mirror and felt sexy in my own skin again rather than ashamed and shy.
- Fee